Ben Shapiro Says Brett Kavanaugh Is Innocent Because No One Has Described His Dong

Conservative pundit, speaker, and professional Twitter troll Ben Shapiro made the internet’s eyes bug out on Monday with an, um, very interesting defense of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

According to Shapiro, the allegations of sexual assault and harassment against Kavanaugh are not credible because no one has provided a detailed description of his dong.

Kavanaugh, who was accused of sexual assault by Christine Blasey-Ford and faced a tumultuous confirmation hearing, is in the news again after a New York Times story report corroborated another allegation against Kavanaugh suggesting a pattern of sexual harassment and assault on the part of the judge.

According to the Times report, Kavanaugh’s fellow student at Yale at the time, Deborah Ramirez, says he “thrust his penis at her” at a party. The story reads, in part:

“She and some classmates had been drinking heavily when, she says, a freshman named Brett Kavanaugh pulled down his pants and thrust his penis at her, prompting her to swat it away and inadvertently touch it.”

The Times spoke with multiple people who confirmed hearing about the incident at the time and also discovered a similar incident involving Kavanaugh that a former classmate witnessed.

“A classmate, Max Stier, saw Mr. Kavanaugh with his pants down at a different drunken dorm party, where friends pushed his penis into the hand of a female student.”

That witness apparently reported the behavior to senators and the F.B.I. during Kavanaugh’s confirmation process but no investigative action was taken.

But, according to Shapiro, none of this actual reporting is very convincing because nobody has given the public a ridge-by-vein rundown of the Justice’s wanger.

Shapiro, perhaps best known for the phrase “Facts don’t care about your feelings,” went on one of his patented, seemingly helium-induced diatribes, saying that in the case of other high-profile sexual assault allegations the aggressor’s genitals have often been described and adding:

“Nobody has yet described Kavanaugh’s genit– now that’s not dispositive…maybe they were generic, who knows? – but the bottom line is we’ve had no corroborating details on any of these stories. All of them apparently happened in public places with other witnesses available and not one witness has been there who corroborates any of these stories. It’s unbelievable.”

Shapiro demands a detailed genital description and he will apparently not rest until he gets it.