“Ask Reddit” is often a great place to go for little internet “what if” games, but a particularly amazing one recently popped up that asked: “What Bible story would qualify as a Florida man story?”

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Considering the fact that the Bible is full of stories of men doing strange and often supernatural things that today could only be accomplished by someone on PCP or bath salts, there is ample room for answers here.

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The post is so good that it gained over 50,000 upvotes in just seven hours as people presented all your favorite tales from the Bible as Florida man headlines. Honestly, why didn’t someone think of this sooner?

Many of the stories cited are ones that most people will recognize, including David and Goliath, Jonah and the whale, and that lady who was cool with cutting a baby in half. Others may not be so familiar and may also remind you how messed up so much of the Bible is. Seriously, trigger warning for some violent content before you go perusing that Reddit thread yourself.

It might be better to check out the ones we picked out for maximum hilarity:

1. David vs. Goliath

2. David in the lion’s den

3. That David guy again

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4. The Tower of Babel

5. That weird lady

6. Jonah and the whale

7. The plagues of Egypt

8. That time God turned a woman in a pillar of salt

9. Whatever this is:

10. Samson

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11. Maybe David again but who knows?

12. Worst family ever

13. Jack and the Beanstalk knockoff

14. Probably something that has really happened in Florida

15. Noah’s Ark

16. Cain and Abel

17. That time Jesus whipped those guys

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18. Extremely insecure bald man

19. Samson again, apparently?

20. Poor Jesus

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*First Published: April 14, 2021, 2:01 pm