The conspiracy theories surrounding the coronavirus outbreak are vast and varied. People falsely believe it’s actually caused by 5G, that hospitals are inflating patient numbers for money, that Bill Gates created the virus to force vaccination on people, that everyone in the government except President Trump is conspiring to keep us sick.
They’re also all pretty ridiculous.
But people love to believe they’ve somehow stumbled upon secret truths from which the rest of the population is willingly averting their eyes (wake up, sheeple!), and so the murmurings continue, growing louder as mistruths and absurdities continue to be shared across social media with no discernment and no attempts at fact checking.
Presumably exhausted from correcting these falsehoods in between saving lives, one doctor hopped on Facebook and just went along with every conspiracy, every notion of a “secret cure,” just to try to show these people how silly they sound.
“A lot of people have been asking me what it’s like being on the COVID wards in the hospital, so I figured I’d share what a typical day looks like for me,” begins David Young, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois. “6am – Wake up. Roll off my pile of money that Big Pharma gave me. Softly weep as it doesn’t put a dent in my medical school loans.”
His post only escalates from there, with Young joking that he has to load up syringes with coronavirus before doing rounds and secretly cure some patients with essential oils.
“9:30am – Call Bill Gates to check how 5G tower construction is going, hoping for more coronavirus soon,” he writes. “He tells me they’re delayed due to repairs on the towers used to spread the Black Plague. Curse the fact that this is the most efficient way to spread infectious diseases.”
Young also takes aim at anti-vaxxers, saying that his schedule includes giving a booster shot to a patient who has figured out “the truth” about coronavirus.
“He becomes autistic in front of my eyes. He’ll never conspire against me again,” he says.
With some conspiracy theorists (and alt-right folks in general) convinced that infectious disease expert Dr. Fauci is out to destroy America, it’s inevitable that he was mentioned in Young’s fictional schedule as well.
“1pm – Conference call with Dr. Fauci and the lab in Wuhan responsible for manufacturing viruses,” he says. “Tell them my idea about how an apocalypse-style zombie virus would be a cool one to try for the next batch.”
Of course, one of the most problematic things about the idea that the government is behind some vast conspiracy to keep the truth from the American people is the fact that these conspiracy theories are being vomited out all over the internet.
And so Young continues: “6pm – Go onto YouTube and see coronavirus conspiracy videos everywhere. Curse my all powerful government for how inept they are at keeping people from spreading ‘the truth.’”
But he brings it all home with the final item on his packed COVID-19 schedule.
“9pm – Take a contented sigh as I snuggle under the covers made of the tinfoil hats of my enemies, realizing that my 4 years of medical school and 3 years of residency training have been put to good use today.”
Well, when you put it that way…