When you get an invitation for a wedding, usually you will be informed of a dress code. Is it casual? Black tie? However, one Redditor was told that they are supposed to dress “gender-specific” — whatever that means! This OP identifies as non-binary and is more masculine presenting.

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After talking with their brother and his fiancé about their discomfort, the OP was told too bad, they have to wear a dress. The OP decided that they would not be comfortable attending the wedding — and now the family is fighting over that decision.

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“My brother is getting married in a few months and his future wife recently asked me to be a part of her bridal party. I was thrilled and excited to be included, but then she informed me that the dress code for the bridal party was gender-specific, with women expected to wear dresses and men expected to wear suits. As someone who identifies as non-binary and is more masculine presenting, I am uncomfortable with conforming to a gender binary that doesn’t accurately represent me. I brought this up with my brother and his fiancé, but they insisted that they wanted all their guests to adhere to the dress code, regardless of how it made them feel.”

“I ultimately decided that I did not want to attend the wedding, as I did not feel comfortable being pressured to conform to a gender binary that doesn’t accurately represent me. My brother and his fiancé are now upset with me, accusing me of being difficult and not willing to compromise. After a fight with them, I found out they went behind my back and involved my mom. She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother. I now feel bad and didn’t realize something as small as the clothes I feel comfortable wearing would cause a rift within my family. So AITA for refusing to go to the wedding?”

Redditors were super supportive of the OP, commenting on how archaic and transphobic this “dress code” is.

“‘Put aside my identity for one day.’ Uh, no. NTA. It is fine for them to dictate the formality of the wedding. It is not fine for them to dictate your preferred gender expression. A suit that is on the same level of formality as suits others are wearing should be considered just fine.” —


“OP, I’m getting married this year and we have a NB friend (he/him) who is in the wedding party. Due to our numbers, he will be on the groom’s side. We had a long discussion about his outfit, and he said he’ll wear whatever we want him to, but he wears dresses/skirts on a daily basis and is more comfortable in “feminine” clothing. So we settled on a tux jacket and a black floor-length skirt for the formal pictures and the ceremony. He has multiple outfit changes planned for after the ceremony. It’s 2023 – gender conforming “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” are no longer the norm!!! If someone wants you in their wedding party, it’s expected that they’re close enough to know you and your gender identity. If they don’t accept your identity, then you don’t owe them the time/money/responsibilities it takes to be in their wedding.” —


“I fail to see how a person in pants is THAT shocking after 1902. NTA.” —


“NTA. Dress codes are things like ‘cocktail,’ ‘black tie’ or ‘semi-formal.’ They’re not ‘people we decide are men must wear pants and people we decide are women must wear dresses.’ Your brother and his fiancée are being queerphobic and it’s fine to absent yourself from such an event. Mom’s comment about putting aside your identity for one day is awful. I’m so sorry. Perhaps you could ask her when she was last expected to abandon who she is for a day.” —


“NTA. I wonder how they would feel if you were getting married and told all your cisgender guests to put aside their identity for one day. Would your brother wear a dress because you asked him to?” —


“NTA. Your family are being queerphobic freaks. You have asked for an accommodation and you were told no. You then said, fair enough, then I wont go. You’re not showing up in a suit to spite them. You’re not dressing in non-binary flag colours. You’re not crumpling up a pride flag and shoving it down their throats. (Personally I think you should do all of the above.) They INVITED you and you said NO. You’re allowed to refuse an invitation. It also sounds like your mom is uhhhhhh not handling your transition like a supportive parent should, to put it mildly.” —

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*First Published: March 17, 2023, 6:04 am