When you’re planning a proposal, it’s great to find out what your partner really wants if you’re not sure. A good way to discover this: ask their friends! Of course, you could also have an idea about how you want the experience to go, so you make your own arrangements. We all know that sometimes engagements don’t go according to plan or that some are disasters — but what happens if your partner’s friend is telling you that your idea will definitely be disappointing?

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One Redditor who is looking out for her friend is concerned that her friend’s partner is planning a proposal that isn’t very focused on her — and she’s wondering if she should spill the beans.

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“My (27f) best friend has been dating her boyfriend (26m) for over 5 years. Awhile back he reached out to me to help figure out ring size and the set up so he could make this the most magical day for her. Having known my friend for over 20+ years, I know exactly how she wants her proposal to go and who she wants to be there, so I relayed all this information to him months ago via texts and over the phone. I even took the time to covertly find and confirm which ring she would love the most.”

“A little background: My friend is INCREDIBLY family and friend oriented, and in the past expressed to me on multiple occasions (especially during holiday season) that in the 5 years they’ve been together, he hasn’t really made much of an effort to indoctrinate himself into her family or friendships the way she has for his. While I do generally like him, I have always felt that he is incredibly self-serving and self-focused.”

“Recently, through a mutual friend, I found out he started a group text between his (emphasis on HIS) friends and his family to set up the time and date of the proposal. He has not only excluded myself (and according to the screenshots I’ve seen, he is doing everything VERBATIM I suggested he do) but he has completely excluded her family and other close friends from the event. He is planning on only having his ‘boys’ and family present for the occasion, and knowing my friend this would ultimately break her heart not being able to share this moment with her loved ones.”

“I got heated and called him. At first he was dodging my questions, then just out right said ‘this is my proposal and I’ve spent enough time and money to choose how I do it, just be happy for your friend. It’s not like you’re not coming to the wedding.’ This INFURIATED me, and to make matters worse, I ran into her mom and dad at the grocery store and subtly asked if they knew of any possibility she was getting engaged. They were unaware, and I know for a fact my friend has told him that he needs to ask her parents for their blessing (she’s somewhat traditional).

“My friend wears her heart on her sleeve, and I can predict how this event will go down when she sees all of his close friends and family and none of hers. Considering her previous sentiments about his lack of interest in her family/life, she will 100% see this as being hurtful and selfish and I know she’ll cry. To make matters worse, the location of the proposal is a whopping 30 minutes from her parents home.”

“I don’t want to get involved in a fight or reveal the surprise, but on the other hand I feel I owe it to my life long friend to help her avoid being hurt and disappointed, maybe even helping her rethink what her future would look like with someone who just doesn’t really appreciate what she values in life. So, AITA if I tell my friend her boyfriend is going to propose?”

Do Redditors think she should intervene or let things be?

“DO NOT TELL HER. As much as you know her and want this proposal to go as planned, it is ultimately up to her boyfriend how he wants to do it. If your friend is disappointed, then that can be her sign to discuss with her fiancé about moving forward. It is not your place to tell her or intervene at this point.” —


“When my husband proposed he was discussing and planning with my best friend to make it special. If he had some wild idea my friend cut it and said, trust me she’ll hate that. I’ve known her longer than you. And he listened to her because he wanted to make me happy. It was a beautiful proposal and I loved it. What is wrong with the boyfriend? You’ve clearly cautioned him but he’s making it about him instead of her. I’m glad you’ve decided not to tell her. If she is disappointed in his efforts the way you think she will be, then she will need your support.” —


“If she’s upset afterwards, talk to her then. Tell her what went down and that you tried to convince him to include her family. She needs to see the writing on the wall that if she chooses to marry him, he will always be like this. If they have children together, he will prioritize time with his extended family over hers, etc. let her hear this and have her talk through her feelings on this later. But don’t blow the proposal. He can propose however he wants, she gets to decide whether or not to accept. She’s going to be disappointed either way, so leave that on him.” —

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“NTA. BUT… don’t stop him. He’s showing his true colours. Let him do it. You shouldn’t stop her from experiencing this, even if it ends up hurting her, but you can be there to help her pick up the pieces if you are right about how this plays out. Just be ready with the pint of ice cream and some girly films for if/when it all goes wrong.” —


The OP responded, explaining that she had taken all of the comments to heart and decided she would step aside:

“Fellow redditors, let me make this super super clear, you’ve convinced me 10 fold not to say anything to her and to let things play out as they should!!! I have done the extent of what I can by trying to reach out to him, and he decided not to listen to me, that’s on him. It’s not my place to initiate a fight/problem and possibly ruin things before they even happen. Trust me when I say, I am not going to go through with it! I see now that this is 1000% not my place regardless of my loyalty and relationship with my friend and would be making things far worse by interjecting myself where I have no right to be.”

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*First Published: February 17, 2023, 3:04 pm