Every June in the U.S., people come together from across the country to laugh at the three straight cisgender guys who insist on holding a sad “straight pride” parade. This year, the three dudes are in Boston and have officially filed for a march permit, which the city is reluctantly granting after they threatened a discrimination suit.
In response, everyone who is anyone is jumping on the bandwagon to dunk on the idea. This includes the entire band Smash Mouth, who had a very straightforward message for straight pride.
Straight Pride Parade????? FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!— Smash Mouth (@smashmouth) June 4, 2019
If Smash Mouth isn’t a straight enough band for you, the bassist for Blink-182 has promised to auction off his bass guitar in celebration of the absurdity of the idea of straight pride.
To celebrate how utterly ridiculous a Straight Pride parade is, I’m going to auction off one of my basses, match the final bid dollar-for-dollar, and donate all the money to the @TrevorProject. 🏳️🌈— mark hoppus.🏳️🌈 (@markhoppus) June 5, 2019
Even AXE body spray is solidly NOT into the idea of being a sponsor of a straight pride parade.
Plus, Chris Evans, also known as the official Captain America (in real life as well as the movies), has promoted a more serious but very important message about the importance of LGBT+ Pride and why the idea of straight pride is not only nonsense, but offensive and harmful.
Wow, the number gay/straight pride parade false equivalencies are disappointing. For those who don’t understand the difference, see below. Instead of going immediately to anger(which is actually just fear of what you don’t understand)take a moment to search for empathy and growth https://t.co/e98K0Z150T— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) June 5, 2019
The lead organizer of the Boston Straight Pride Parade, Mark Sahady, is accused of being a white supremacist who is really just organizing another MAGA rally, as he has done before.
That is, if he can withstand the onslaught of jokes about what a straight pride parade would look like, including from Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Will “Straight Pride” be a Freaky Friday type situation where all of our history books, movies, stories, media, news, etc feature mostly LGBTQ+ people & perspectives?— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) June 5, 2019
Will people have to come out as straight?
What would folks march in? Socks w/ sandals on? Dad jeans? https://t.co/7SUiWHWRMd
disgusting.....what am i supposed to say to my kids when they see a couple, covered head-to-toe in celtics gear, miming the missionary position https://t.co/poH5njbSRB— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) June 4, 2019
me explaining to my boyfriend why we’re going to straight pride pic.twitter.com/ZtXpLaV05s— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 4, 2019
wow the straight pride month even has official corporate pride merch https://t.co/pXDNrsgYtn— Klaudia Amenábar is being gay and doing crimes (@kaludiasays) June 5, 2019
If the straight pride parade doesn't have entire floats celebrating their one creative invention - fake queer porn where all the fake lesbians are attempting to give each other hysterectomies with their long, bejeweled nails - is it really straight pride?— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) June 5, 2019
I’m confused I thought they already had straight pride isn’t that what coachella is?— Elise Bauman (@baumanelise) June 5, 2019
Straight pride parade floats based on cishet dudes’ Tinder pics:— Katelyn Burns (@transscribe) June 5, 2019
-a guy posing for a selfie with a fish
-a close up of a dude’s neck
-group settings with more attractive men
Straight Pride Parade, circa 1938. pic.twitter.com/4fCCSgRg2n— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) June 5, 2019
What color khakis are we wearing to the straight pride parade? I was gonna go beige but I have an old navy gift card so I am also open to warm beige or light tan— monica vasandani (@monicavas) June 5, 2019
People who want a straight pride parade; please, the next time you’re on the checkout line at an Old Navy or Dick’s Sporting Goods, just close your eyes and pretend the line is a lot, lot longer— Kentington Clarke 🔮 (@KentingtonC) June 5, 2019
“the straight pride parade will be the biggest crossover event in history: the largest gathering of virgins AND people who exclusively have missionary sex with the lights off that the world has ever seen”— craig reynolds (@reynlord) June 5, 2019
the straight pride parade in boston should have a completely straight parade route, i thought i'd save them some time by drawing one pic.twitter.com/afbUi8mtnu— pun the jewels (@failnaut) June 4, 2019
The straight pride parade will be mostly men because very few women will get to come.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 4, 2019
why do straight people think they need a straight pride parade— leigh hayley (@leighagenda) June 4, 2019
netflix is already paying $100 million to keep friends on, isn't that enough
A more accurate name for the Straight Pride Parade would be Incelebration.— Adam Best (@adamcbest) June 4, 2019
Each float in the straight pride parade is 10 guys explaining a different Coen brothers movie to you.— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 5, 2019
i'm totally fine with Boston having a Straight Pride parade, provided:— 🚀𝕤𝕡𝕒𝕔𝕖𝕔𝕣𝕒𝕗𝕗𝕗💫 (@spacecrafff) June 4, 2019
1) LGBTQIA+ people can attend & be oblivious to straightness & treat it like a random party event
2) there's a mock protester brigade with bullhorns, yelling how all straight people are going to burn in hell
Jared Kushner is what happens when a straight pride parade becomes a real boy. pic.twitter.com/YYqjGvTFin— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) June 3, 2019
The Straight Pride Parade is every weekend when you see four dudes in polos waking back to their campus at 2am looking very bummed that they didn’t get laid.— Tim Ross (@TimRossComedy) June 3, 2019
I’d imagine a straight pride parade to be something like this but in the worst way? pic.twitter.com/j3Kal4ueOq— libby (@1ibby) June 4, 2019
The Boston Straight Pride Parade pic.twitter.com/5OuFucYHJg— Golden State is a Pee Thing (@LeBronMaclean) June 4, 2019
if the straight pride parade happens, I might actually stand a chance on Xbox Live for a couple of hours— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 5, 2019
straight pride parade marching down to LGBTQ+ pride to try and prove a nonexistent point pic.twitter.com/YS5xyKhfU9— spidey (@SPDRMND) June 5, 2019
It’s not a happy parade when everyone hates you. But that’s what the first LGBT+ Pride Parade was all about, so, enjoy!