One of the simultaneously best and worst things about children is their innocent honesty. They haven’t developed a filter yet, let alone a sense of tact, and so you can always trust them to tell you the truth about things that adults might dance around to spare your feelings. This can result in some of the most devastating roasts, and yet you can’t get mad at the roasters. They’re just kids being kids.
This is something feminist author Aubrey Hirsch discovered when she talked to one of her son’s classmates.
Kid in my son’s class explained to me that she was sure he has two moms because he has “the pretty mom and the other mom.” She described each to me in some detail.— Aubrey Hirsch (@aubreyhirsch) February 9, 2020
Reader, both are me.
That is one sick burn.
This short story posted on Sunday resonated with many thousands of parents, some of whom shared their own stories of their kids hitting them with truth bombs. Even people without kids had some stories to tell, because children will roast their parents to anyone who will listen.
As one commenter said: “Little drunk people with no filter. That’s exactly a little kid.”
A lot of the stories from moms are along the same theme — kids thinking they’re two different people whether or not they’ve bothered to do their hair and put on makeup or, as happens on most days, they just barely had the energy to put on sweatpants. It’s surprising how many of those stories actually involve only adults.
But it’s funnier when kids do it. Here are our favorite entries:
My friend’s 5-year-old told me this week that she “loved” my voice and then did an impression of me saying “cooool” in a monotone. It was scathing.
— Beth Newell (@bethnew) February 9, 2020
My daughters friend once asked why I put basketballs in my bra, and when I told her those things are called breasts, she said, “huh-uh, there is no way those are real breasts, they don’t look anything like my moms.”
— marla hanson (@starsih) February 9, 2020
I was sitting a 6 yr old boy who loved My Fair Lady, I sang a little and he exclaimed, “wow! You could be in the show…except for the…err..” and drew an an air circle around his face. Thanks kid.
— Alison Lewis (@AlisonLew) February 10, 2020
I will never forget the day my young son asked, while looking at our wedding photo “Mom, who is that pretty lady next to Dad?”
— Ulla Meredith (@UllaMeredith) February 10, 2020
One year at Passover my (now) husband’s aunt told me I was prettier than the girl he brought “last year.” Yup, I was the girl he brought “last year.” 🤦🏻♀️
— Jamie Beth Cohen wrote WASTED PRETTY! (@Jamie_Beth_S) February 9, 2020
My sister got a full face of makeup done for an event and my nephew said she looked beautiful like a clown
— Rhetorical Geisterfahrer (@solaana) February 10, 2020
My niece used to hold my face in her little 3 year old hands and tell me I was pretty.
Then we watched Wizard Of Oz and the green witch came on and she jumped up in delight yelling PRETTY PRETTY
I never believed another word she’s said since
— Princess Damnit 🌊❄ (@Fes_Toy) February 10, 2020
My grandmother, 90 years old, had a beautiful photo of herself taken in 1940s when was 45 on her wall. Little Rosemary, 5 years old, asked her who it was. Grandmother said, “That’s me!” Rosemary studied it for a while then said, “Oh, I understand! You got a new head.”
— Desha (@Desha7) February 10, 2020
I’m a teacher and didn’t put on eye makeup last week for the first time ever. I had students legit NOT RECOGNIZE ME, despite my blaze of red curly hair. One kid: “But what happened to your FACE?!” “I didn’t wear mascara kid. But thanks.”
— Andee 🔜 Tokyo Disneyland!!! (@andeesings) February 10, 2020
My daughter looked at me adoringly and said, “Mama, I love you and your chins.”
— Lara Ehrlich (@EhrlichLara) February 10, 2020
My four-year-old once leaned into my upper arm and sighed, “Aaaah. I love squishy things.”
— Doritos for Dinner (@doritos4dinner) February 10, 2020
This is definitely better than when a kid in my kid’s Tae kwon do class asked me if I was his mom or his grandma. TWICE. I am 41 and have exactly ONE gray hair
— Erin Human (@theeisforerin) February 10, 2020
When my son (19) was in middle school, he and his friends assigned Disney Princess names to all their mothers, based on appearances.
Some days I was “Belle”, most days I was called “Merida”. pic.twitter.com/Km9HFzZjcz
— DuchessOfCle (@DuchessCle) February 10, 2020
My 5 year old son looked across the table at me and asked about his recently dead grandma. “So grandmas dead?” I looked over my paper “yeah buddy”. He asked “why?” Well she was older and it was just her time I said. He looked at me coldly “you’re prolly next” 😳
— Tom Roberts (@twrobertsII) February 10, 2020
The day after my wedding, my niece (4) refused to believe I was the same person who married her uncle the night before. “MY aunt Betsy is beautiful!”
— Betsy Berman (@Betsyberman) February 10, 2020
One night on call I was showing my senior resident my then 3 yr old wedding picture.
she asked – oh, which one are you?
“The one in the middle with the fancy indian clothes”
“Oh, makeup does a lot for you” 😂😂😂
— Subha Airan-Javia, MD FAMIA (@subhaairan) February 10, 2020
My son put a picture of my husband and me on date night on his “Star Student” poster. In his practice introduction, he said, “This is my dad. This is my mom with makeup on.” Thanks kid. Way to set them straight.
— SAWoodard (@Sawoodard22) February 10, 2020
Son, looking at some photos of me from 25 years ago: “Wow mom WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?”
— Hot Flash Houlihan 💥 (@kueblerwolf) February 10, 2020
I was watching a late night tv with my then 3 yr old son who wouldn’t sleep.
He pointed at the first guest, Kim Kardashian, and said: “That’s Mommy!”
I was flattered until he pointed and said the same thing about the 2nd guest: a fully- bearded Joaquin Phoenix.
— Michelle (@blue_chelley) February 10, 2020
That’s hilarious! At five my son asked my wife for a cookie, she asked, who is a beautiful princess? He said, you are Mommy, are you an old princess? I gave him two cookies,
— Reg #Resists (@Redgmac) February 10, 2020
I went to see my goddaughters recently without make up on and 4 opened the door, stared at me, and said “Auntie Shambles….you look different. I don’t like it.” And ran away.
— Shambollicks (@ShamblesAndFuss) February 10, 2020