When you are blending a family together, there are going to be obvious emotional and relationship conflicts to work out — especially with the children. Hopefully most of these issues go away when things become routine.
But one mom on Reddit who is about to marry her boyfriend and thus welcome his son into her family is worried. She thinks her boyfriend’s son is going to be a bad influence on her children and is concerned the stepson doesn’t even like her family — even though he asked to come live with them. Is this mom just being selfish?
“I have two boys (10M and 5M), and I’m getting married in the next few weeks to my boyfriend who has a 12 son from a previous relationship. My future husband’s son asked his dad if he could come live with us after we get married because he wants to experience a genuine family dynamic with parents and siblings, given that his biological parents never married anyone else. My husband is on board with this idea, believing it would contribute positively to the boy’s personal growth.”
“I expressed to my husband that I have reservations about having him live with us, based on observations during the weekends he spends at our place: Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so. When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom, he does so with obvious reluctance. Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. I find this overly competitive atmosphere uncomfortable. I desire my children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment. The third and most significant concern is his academic and behavioral performance. My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. I am concerned about his potential negative influence on my children, particularly my older son.”
“My husband dismisses these concerns as typical for his age, believing that with our guidance, he could improve. I sought advice from my mother, and she disagrees with me, asserting that providing a united family environment could greatly benefit my stepson. Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable.”
What do Redditors think?
“YTA – You’re marrying his father so you should start considering him as your son as well. If your eldest son (10M) started displaying all these behaviours then surely you wouldn’t just kick him out and give up on him. I would get your bf onboard with ways to deal with the behaviours that you’re not happy with.” —PandaFrankOpinions
“YTA…he is your soon to be husbands son…he is as entitled to live under the roof as your children are. End of. I cannot believe this is real.” —engie945
“YTA. Future stepson sounds like a typical 12 year old. You seem to think he is a free mother’s helper for you with your younger child and that he should treat your older child like he is made of glass. Ne doesn’t need to take your five year old to the bathroom and invite him to play. They have different interests given their 7 year age gap. Your son won’t melt or break from competition. And lastly, a lot of kids that age go through some academic and minor behavioral struggles. Your own kids will as well. I will say that if you continue this your partner should refuse to marry you and should end the relationship. Your kids are not the only kids in your blended family and they should not be your boyfriend’s priority.” —sheramom4
“YTA sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children, but have no interest in being a mother to his. What would your reaction be if your fiance didn’t want your boys living with yall after marriage? Would it be a deal breaker? Would you consider it? Remember it’s what you’re asking from him. You sound like you’re digging up reasons and even what you’re scraping up isnt alarming behavior. Most 12 year old boys aren’t interested in playing with 5 year olds, even biological brothers. But him living there would give them all the opportunity to grow as siblings. And of course he isn’t excited to be asked to chaperone a child to the bathroom- is your 10 year old? Overall it seems very selfish and like you want your idea of the perfect family, which doesn’t include stepson. You should look for a partner without children.” —ProofReplacement3278
“YTA. Seems like this child would greatly benefit from the family dynamic he seeks. Clearly he likes your sons enough to want to live with them and wants to be able to consider them his family. This makes me feel really sad for him.” —tiredandshort
The OP updated the post and agreed she was being unreasonable:
“Update: I know that I am not the best person, but I never mistreated or ignored my future stepson. I care for him, and I would never think of hurting him. I realize now that I was being overly protective of my own children and not considering things from my future stepson’s perspective. I was afraid that my future stepson might bully my kids (for example, excluding the younger one from activities he enjoys, like building with Legos, or teasing the older one when he wins), but now I can see that if he wants to live with us, it’s because he cares about his future siblings. Moreover, as a responsible adult, I understand that I have an obligation to help him with behavior and school grades. I talked to my boyfriend, and I accept that he can come live with us. Now, we’ll need to move to a new house so that each child can have their own room, and we’ll have to work on getting custody.”